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CALL ME CRAZY
Is that habit merely quirky or could it get you listed in a psych textbook? If in doubt, read on.

Text: AMY ROSEN

ANY QUIRKY HABIT CAN POTENTIALLY LEAD TO OBSESSION AND EVERY OBSESSION TO PATHOLOGY. IN OTHER WORDS, THERE ARE POTENTIAL PHYSICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS ASSOCIATED WITH THOSE LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU "INTERESTING" OR "ECCENTRIC." SO HERE’S A RUNDOWN OF SOME PROS AND CONS OF VARIOUS PATHOLOGIC CONDITIONS – ON THE OFF CHANCE YOU’RE AFFLICTED.

FROTTEURISM
OBSESSED WITH: Recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies and urges that make one touch and rub against a non-consenting person.
RESULT: Psychological distress and more than one slap in the face.
ADVANTAGE: Appealing fantasy world.
DISADVANTAGE: Jail time.

DISSOCIATIVE FUGUE
OBSESSED WITH: Sudden, unexpected travel away from home or place of work.
RESULT: Arriving in a strange city and unable to recall your past.
ADVANTAGE: Think of all the frequent flyer points!
DISADVANTAGE: For one thing, it’s your turn to pick up Timmy from soccer practice.

DELUSIONS OF PARASITOSIS
OBSESSED WITH: Phantom parasites under the skin.
RESULT: Sufferers pick and collect small pieces of epidermis to give to their doctor. Much scabbing and scarring occurs.
ADVANTAGE: If you should have a parasitic infection, your MD will be hard pressed to miss the diagnosis.
DISADVANTAGE: Bystanders wary of people toting Baggies filled with human skin.

ORTHOREXIA
OBSESSED WITH: Puritanically sticking to a diet consisting of organic produce, pure soy milk – no chemicals or additives, no white flour or white rice – and only organic, free-range meats.
RESULT: Physiological and psychological problems; diet could possibly miss necessary nutrients, vitamins, minerals and fats. Could lead to anemia and osteoporosis.
ADVANTAGE: Invitations to boring dinner parties miraculously disappear.
DISADVANTAGE: No more McDonald’s drive-thru (so convenient!).

ADONIS COMPLEX (a.k.a. Muscle Dysmorphia)
OBSESSED WITH: The pursuit of "bigness." Affects men who have the false belief that they are too scrawny.
RESULT: Exercising to an unhealthy extreme; often leads to abuse of anabolic steroids, which can have psychiatric consequences and lead to diminished libido, not to mention serious physical damage.
ADVANTAGE: Effortlessly crush beer cans with posterior glutes.
DISADVANTAGE: Loss of ability to scratch own back... and desire to scratch hers.

DEVELOPING A PHYTOBEZOAR (a physical pathology brought on by a psychological one)
OBSESSED WITH: Swallowing unchewed bubble gum.
RESULT: Phytobezoars are huge masses of concretions in the stomach, usually found in persons with conditions that cause delayed gastric emptying.
ADVANTAGE: Imagine all the Bazooka Joe cartoons you’ll read.
DISADVANTAGE: They’re never funny.